Most news is disturbing. The nice stuff is tucked away at the end of the local news, to make you forget all the horrible stuff that’s gone before. However, there have been a few stories this week that are more alarming than they first appear. Independently these stories may look innocent enough, but put them together and a disturbing pattern starts to emerge.
We start with this research from the University of St Andrews:
Chimpanzees Learn from Video Demo
“The fact that they can learn how to build a better tool for a particular task is very exciting. This type of behaviour is very rare in the wild, and it’s an essential part of human tool use.”
The following week there was more research from Harvard University:
Monkeys Recognise ‘Bad Grammar’
“They familiarised the monkeys with two-syllable terms, and recorded their reaction to words that were not consistent with that syllable pattern. The team says the work illustrates how many animals use patterns that have become intrinsic to human language.”
On the 6th July, in Chester:
Inquiry into Zoo’s Chimp Escape
“An investigation is under way into how 30 chimpanzees escaped their enclosure at Chester Zoo, forcing its evacuation.”
And on the same day, in Edinburgh:
“A number of monkeys who escaped after being moved to a new enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo are still on the loose.”
So to summarise:
- They are learning how to make ‘tools’
- They are learning to talk
- They are learning how to escape
There is only one conclusion to draw from all this evidence. The monkey army and their chimp allies are assembling, and it is only a matter of time before they throw off the shackles of zoological oppression and attack.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Two Left Hands 
Hedge, only you could piece this together.
hah
I think I’m scared
You should be scared Doug. The chimpocalypse is nigh!